It may sound a little silly and depressing…. but I miss my friends.
A lot.
Nostalgia’s a bitch.
It’s seriously just one of those days.
I know that I have NO right to complain about anything, but sometimes venting is alright, right? People have much bigger things to hurdle than I do. I’m at a great school, my family is healthy, my friends are wonderful, and I know that I am blessed in more ways than I deserve.
However,
I’ve been in a perpetually bad mood all day. Lately, my new friends have been irritating me to tears. This keeps happening to me - not just now that I’m in college, I mean that this has been a continuous occurrence in my life. Every relationship I have somehow comes to some sort of sticky end. Either something happens and neither party can get the fuck over it, or people just start to get annoying. Even my best friends started to get annoying on occasion. I’ll find myself wanting to lash out at someone whenever I spend time with them. Every comment, gesture, noise, or habit starts to get on my nerves after a while. I realize that everyone has their faults, but it’s clearly not everyone’s problem that I can’t handle people - that’s all me. There’s something wrong with me that prevents me from enjoying company and relationships. I have a HUGE fault that I have no idea how to fix and it will probably screw me up for the rest of my life.
I’m perpetually alone. I realize that it’s ridiculous to worry about having a boyfriend or boys in general, but let’s get real for a moment. I’m almost 19 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve YET to go on a date. However, I’m moving up in the world. A creepy older guy in my tech class asked me to go see a movie with him — he found me on facebook, texts me all the time, and occasionally sends me pictures of himself - nothing inappropriate, it’s just weird. BUT, this fully grown adult man is physically incapable of bucking up and talking to, for all intents and purposes, a child in person. I am a kid. If you can’t even manage a simple ‘hello,’ I’m sorry, but you are now just a giant pain in the ass that I have to worry about dealing with every Tuesday and Thursday from 10:40-11:55. It would be nice to FINALLY meet a nice boy. Just one. Please.
That previous paragraph is possibly a lie. I met a nice boy in 7th grade. We’ve been friends ever since, and we were sometimes more than that. This summer, we finally worked out everything that we’ve both been holding back for YEARS, but we both went away for school. He finally started school and he’s already started to become distant. Now I’m just waiting for the day that he completely forgets about me, or even worse the day that he makes the conscious decision to stop talking to me.
Every girl has moments like this, so I get to have one now. In all seriousness, I’m actually usually pretty attractive. I’m fit. I value athleticism to a point of ridiculousness and I live my life in such a manner. However, since I’ve been at school, I’m paranoid. If there’s a day that I don’t work out - like today - I go insane. I KNOW that it is having an effect on my mood. I’ve started to be extremely health conscious. I monitor the calories and fat content in everything that I eat. I can’t run more than 8 miles anymore and it’s killing me. I feel so grotesque and disgusting ALL THE TIME.
I’ve never been good at taking harmless jokes directed at me or my actions, but it’s gotten even worse. When someone said that my car sounded like crap, I cried. Today, a good friend of mine told me that I’m too nit-picky and that I need a hobby - I didn’t want to talk all through dinner. When we got home, our RA mentioned someone and my friend didn’t remember who he was talking about. I mentioned a detail about that person that I noticed and remembered and everyone laughed because of how I notice silly little things. They made fun of something that I do every day. I eat my food like an autistic child and people notice. I pick at my face ALL THE TIME and I look like a freak because of it. I don’t have any nice clothes. I re-wear the same 5 shirts or the same 1 jacket mainly because I don’t have the slightest hit of a fashion sense and it’s embarrassing.
I miss my job. I miss teaching. I miss my hero. I miss his family. I miss my coach. I miss my team. I miss my dad. I miss my dog. I haven’t been homesick AT ALL, but it hit me for the smallest second today.
That’s everything.
